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My dad's been living in constant fear for the past few nights, and to be honest, I've never seen him this vulnerable before.

Although the police can't get him to talk, tonight I'll make his screams echo throughout the entire prison, telling everyone where he buried me.

I cant believe I let my abusive ex live rent free inside my head.

I can still hear her berate and insult me, even though its been a year since I've killed her.

My grandma, my wife, and my child are dead.

Finally that should give me enough backstory to win this reality tv show.

The bondage and the blindfold prevented me from realising right away that the spasms and convulsions you were having on top of me weren't just the throws of pleasure.

I will forever be ashamed of the fact that the epileptic seizure that killed you actually brought me to orgasm.

Out of clumsy habit I tripped and fell off the stairs.

As I plummet below into a black abyss, I wish there was a safer way to get to heaven.

.uoy no pu kaens I elihw noitcartsid a tsuj s’tI .ereh nettirw si tahw rettam yllaer t’nseod tI

I’ve been counting sheep for hours.

We still don’t know how their bodies keep ending up in the trees.

"Yeah I hear the piano" I said to the priest on the phone to embelish my story, not wanting to admit that I really wasn't hearing anything and that the old mansion was very silent.

"Good then" he said, "You're safe as long as it plays, but if it stops, run."

I felt happy for the first time in 14 years as we sat down and I prepared to say the magic words to finally leave this abusive relationship behind me for good.

"We're having a baby", she said with a widening grin as she saw color leaving my face.

"Why did you do that?" I tearfully asked my daughter while squeezing her wrist to stop the bleeding.

"I didn't," she replied, as another cut appeared around her neck.

Lying still in my chains, I felt the spider slowly walk across my face.

In a flash I devoured it, enjoying my first meal in days as its many legs struggled and shuddered hopelessly in my mouth.

It took us centuries to build our first military base on the moon.

Now we're ready to invade earth as planned.

As my life ebbed away on the hospital bed, I begged the looming figure of the reaper not to take me.

Now, as I wander the labyrinthine shadowy world, alone in the dark for endless eons, I wish more than anything that I hadn't sent my only guide away.

Dad I dont wanna go, please dont make me

“Son I payed $250,000 for this trip, you’re gonna go”

As it crawled toward me at neck breaking speeds, I pointed the gun and pulled the trigger.

*click*

I dont know what terrified me more, the fact that we found a skull of a new species of dinosaur,

Or the fact that when we carbon dated it, it was only 2000 years old.

We removed all mirrors and reflective materials in our house, hoping the creatures from the other side couldn't get to us.

We realized our mistake when they began slithering out of our eyes.

The doctor had never seen such long hairy legs.

As he pulled the otoscope away from the patients ear he prayed he never would again.

"My last wish is to be able to walk on water," he told the genie

As he happily took his first steps out on the ocean's surface, he saw a diver desperately trying to punch her way up to the air

I was born with the ability to psychically experience the happiest memories of any human by merely touching their skin.

I didn't realize this worked with the deceased until the day I felt a rush of joy along with vivid flashes of somebody's past-- just as I bit into a burger from that diner on route 40.

I was worried my dad had forgotten I finished school early today.

Luckily, a friend of his came to pick me up.

Contrary to popular belief, vampires don’t burn in the sunlight and are never seen during the day simply because they’re nocturnal.

You can still wait for the sunrise to come outside if it makes you feel safer, I don’t really care if I have to stay up late.

As foretold, Judgement Day came, and the Good were claimed by Heaven, and the Wicked confounded in the fires of Hell.

And now, those of us without the courage to be Good or the conviction to be Wicked wander numbly through an abandoned and broken world -the meek have inherited the Earth after all.

Atheists had the right idea.

Praying makes you so much easier to find.

When the genie offered me a wish, I wished to become invisible to the human eye.

So you can imagine the utter horror I felt when my best friend walked up to me and asked me a question.

My two best friends and I went to explore an abandoned house, which was rumored to alter the memories of everyone who visited.

But in the end, after making sure that we still remembered everything correctly, we both left the house with disappointment.

I begged my husband to stop as he had me me hanging naked over an upside down lawnmower

I screamed in pain as my son was born and then I was forced to watch as the blades ripped him apart

"Daddy, why do I have to wear this to see Mommy?"

"It will be over soon," I said as I tightened the noose.

He gently caressed my thigh and planted a soft peck on my neck.

A part of me hoped my dad was only doing this to snap me out of my coma.

The way she said, “I was chosen.” during the rescue gave Superman a chill down his spine.

As the cult grew, people were throwing themselves off buildings by the hundreds.

When we found out our neighbor Ken was a convicted child molester, we went over rules with our son including “Lock the doors and don’t talk to Ken when we aren’t home.”

When I finally got through all the emergency vehicles in my neighborhood, the fire chief told me Ken had screamed and pleaded for my son to come out of the burning house, but my son had hidden instead.

I thought wading through a pile of bones was bad.

I soon realized wading through a pile of everything BUT the bones was worse.

“That final death scene seemed so real, you two are going places!”

I turned back to my film class with a smile as the professor turned the lights on, “Thank you, I’m just sad my partner was too sick to make it here.”

As A child I ate worms because I liked the flavor.

Now I sit in agony while the worms return the favor.

I was always told to check the backseat of my car for intruders when I got in.

I guess this lady wasn't told the same thing.

It was always so nice to see a mother bonding with her child.

But to wake up to the same sight of her still pushing her child on the swing set was a bit unnerving.

The sound of my boyfriend’s snores have always been able to put me to sleep

But he’s visiting family and I can still hear them.

As an oceanographer, I’ve gotten used to going long stretches without seeing land.

But according to the ship’s GPS, we should be about seventy miles inland and we still haven’t seen any.

“It was just a prank,” they reminded themselves after they shoved Daryl into a locker.

They forgot it was the last day of school and the smell was now filling the hallways in the summer heat.

"Dad," the little girl said, reaching up to his bed to shake his arm, trying not to disturb the wires hanging from him like streamers.

"I stopped that beeping like you wanted."

"Please let us in mummy, we really want to go home," my children begged.

Chained to the wall, tears flow down my face and blood flows down my legs as they attempted to dig their way back into my uterus.

“You can all have your Walkmans back at the end of the lesson” drones our substitute teacher after confiscating our electronics.

I keep trying to explain to the old man what an insulin pump is, but I’m slipping unconscious...

I stood before God and Satan, and accepted my fate when they sentenced me to Hell.

I saw a bright light and faintly heard the words “it’s crowning, push!!”

For the first time in recorded history, no humans died today.

Granted, that's because the last one died yesterday.

The out of the way authentic Egyptian spa offered soothing wraps, which I absolutely love.

It wasn't until I felt the hook enter my nose and pierce the skull that I realized the wraps were linen, and not seaweed.

Mommy was gone and he didn't know how to change a diaper, so he put his little sister in the tub with some soap.

He was only 7, but he'd seen mommy do it before, so he selected 'Warm', 'Heavy Load', 'Extra Rinse', and pushed the start button.

"YOU ARE TEN METE-- THIRTY METE-- EIGHT METERS FROM YOUR DESTINATION" the GPS stuttered for the fourth time tonight as I pulled over to finally fix the damn thing.

"YOU ARE FOUR METERS FR--" it continued as the car came to a halt, "THREE METE-- TWO MET-- ONE M--, IT HAS ARRIVED AT YOUR DESTINATION."

Everyone always talks about “skeletons in the closet”.

What do I do if a skeleton comes out of the closet? (Urgent)

“I would LITERALLY do ANYTHING to make you happy babe” I told my husband as I drove the knife deep into my chest….

He’d recently drunkenly confessed to me of being a necrophiliac, and as I fell to the floor with only seconds left to live I whisper “fuck me, fuck me cold!”

My daughter lay on the bed weeping and begging us to stop, as we all stood above her laughing and enjoying the show

I flashed the strobe light into her eyes, and we all watched as she suffered yet another epileptic fit

“If you don’t pay me, I’ll give myself a black eye and say that you did it,” the prostitute threatened.

I took the tape recorder out of my pocket with full conviction that I could now get away with anything.

She stood there silently smiling.

The stitches wouldn’t allow anything else.

Haunted corn mazes in the early fall were always a favorite seasonal afternoon to me.

That was until I limped, bloody and broken, further into the labyrinth and heard a chainsaw roar in the distance.

Coming home late to find my wife already asleep, I climbed into bed, wrapped my arms around her and held her close.

As my eyes adjusted to the darkness I saw her tear-streaked face through the cracked closet door, mouthing for me to run.

I’m doing a little experiment.

>!By!< the >!time!< they’re >!done clicking!< the >!boxes,!< I’ll >!already!< be >!inside.!<

“It’s worked - I’ve resurrected your wife,” the necromancer cried as she sat up on the table.

Stupid bitch thought she could escape me with suicide, she’s gonna be really sorry when we get home.

"Bless you," said my professor, in response to my sneeze.

I double checked, and like I thought, my camera and mic were still turned off.

While on a camping trip, something felt different, so I asked my boyfriend if he was using a ribbed condom.

Surprised, he pulled out and looking down, we counted at least 8 ticks embedded in his member.

[ Removed by Reddit ]

[ It is forbidden to publicize information regarding the upcoming events of 2023-2052 ]

“I lost my friend in the recent mass shooting.”

“Oh, which one?”

The doctor says the pills will help my memory, but my thoughts so fuzzy and full of holes.

>!I found his notebook and realized!< **I must be** >!an experiment, not a!< **patient,** >!and!< **these pills are helping** >!him!< **get** >!the!< **better** >!of me, erasing memories!< **day by day** >!until I don’t realize!< **how strange it is for** >!there to be only!< **one doctor to care** >!for such a large hospital, where there is always!< **so much** >!screaming. !<

"The kittens are licking my toes", she giggled.

As the rats feeding began to grow more frenzied I continued to take bets from the assembled crowd as to whether the painkillers or the hallucinogens would wear off first.

Remembering the safety videos, he locked himself in the bathroom after hearing screams and gunshots from the cafeteria.

He realized how terrible his mistake was when, two hours later, the scratching and moans of the undead grew louder just outside the door.

After 12 years of grueling torture, I threw my captor into a furnace and headed towards the basement door.

"Fingerprint Recognition Required" the door responded as I looked back at my charred assailant.

Every morning, I have a new face.

Whoever keeps leaving those in my bed, please stop.

I swallow the pills, down the bottle of vodka, and then lie down waiting for the end.

At last I see a bright white light but as I start walking towards it a voice says ‘prisoner 7 million and 43 please do not attempt to exit the simulation early’

My mom hugged me & assured me uncle Eric was in prison for what he did to me.

I can’t believe the attention I’m finally getting!

TIL picking up hitchhikers is mandatory for government vehicles, if passenger space is available.

Dropping them off, however, is not.

Ever since I went to my friend’s BBQ, I’ve been having body tremors.

The doctor said I had a rare disorder called Kuru as I let out a burst of laughter.

My heart sped up as my phone battery dropped to 1%.

I could see the grin at the foot of my bed growing wider in anticipation of my only light source finally fading.

I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of the rain on my window, so I decided to grab a coffe and open the curtains to see it.

There are no clouds in the sky, just hundreds of slender fingers tapping the glass.

Five days ago a man broke into my house and stole me away in the middle of the night.

After what my parents had done to me over the years, I knew I was better off with this man.

"Come on, smile for sissy," my older sister cheerfully said to me as she tried to take my picture.

All I could do was keep myself from vomiting when the ventriloquist took his hand out of my sisters' head and forced me to smile.

"I love you too," I replied as we held each other, crying tears of joy.

As the years passed I slowly forgot about the foolish girl I used to be who screamed and clawed and tried to escape.

Someone shouted "Pikachu, I choose you!" and the crowd roared in excited applause.

The boy in yellow rubber jumpsuit sobbed as he was dropped into the arena holding a live electric cable with an exposed end, reluctantly preparing to attack a crying girl clad in bright red with a powerful blowtorch in her hands.

The Germans released a new gas on our trenches today.

We thought it was innocuous, until the corpses of our fallen brothers began to stand up.

"Ok kids close your eyes and count to ten!"

I didn't want them to see the mushroom clouds in the distance.

I splashed my face with warm water and used my fingertips to gently remove the sleep crust from the corners of my eyes.

It wiggled against my touch and retreated back into my tear ducts.

I wish I hadn’t tried to put my cat down.

He only responded with “bullets don’t work.”

I always hated that my brother left us because of our mother's hoarding.

But as I uncover the human bones buried beneath a mountain of debris, I wonder if he ever really left.

I’m usually not the type to get scared in graveyards.

But I can’t help but wonder why the coffins have locks.

“He really did hurt me,” I sobbed, trembling as I showed him the bloody hem of my skirt.

“You think anyone’s gonna believe a fucking prostitute over a federal judge!?", my father yelled in desperation, before turning away from me in shame.

To the horror of everyone watching from Earth, the first man on Mars took off his helmet.

He was finally home.

As the Rapture began, I was bitterly disappointed to find myself left behind.

Then I looked up at the departing figures and saw all the open jaws awaiting them in the sky.

Spend 24 hours locked in the old insane asylum and win a million dollars.

It's been 26 hours, so why is the door still locked?

My roommate eyed herself in the mirror, feeling confident about the weight she lost.

That is until the next morning when I found her on the floor, spasming as the tapeworm burrowed deep into her brain.

Today I’m finally being realeased after spending 30 years in prison for a crime I didnt commit.

I smiled as I kicked the chair out from under me.

Still madly in love with my ex, I’ve spent all of today leaving him heartfelt voicemail messages.

If I fill up his inbox, he might not notice the one voicemail his girlfriend left him as I murdered her.

I open the door to a police man that tells me my husband died in a car crash on the way home.

As I turn my head to see him eating the dinner I just served he starts grinning at me.

Today they announced that there are only 12,000 spots left in heaven.

Millions of terrified parents rushed to kill their own children.

As the only operator at the Suicide Hotline facility, I was happy that I didn’t get any calls for the day.

Coming to work the next day left me horrified, as I noticed the phone wasn’t plugged in.

“Sir, you’ve been in a horrific accident, and I need to give you this medication to manage the pain.”

With my broken jaw, I was unable to protest and soon felt the familiar opioid rush from the morphine for the first time since finally getting clean.

After we order our drinks at the bar, my date pulls me aside in private.

"You think I don't know what an angel shot is?"

Those of us still able to walk slowly hobbled toward the town hall, our skin sloughing off after each agonizing step like slugs oozing across the pavement.

The ones who hadn’t lost their sight in the flash called out to the blind through charred vocal cords in a macabre game of Marco Polo.

When I was a child, a shadowy figure would lock the door from inside when my father is approaching my room at night.

As my father got taken away by the police for murdering my mom, I realized why the figure would do such a thing.

As Death himself extended his bony finger towards me, I began to sob.

"Not again" I choked as he touched my barely swollen belly, and I felt that all too familiar pain.

The captain has been banging on the walls for the last 3 hours, begging us to let him in.

I've counted several times, but all the space suits are inside.

“Daddy, daddy, look mommy’s home!”, my daughter said jumping up and down with glee.

I guess now is as a good a time as ever to explain the concept of zombies to my 4 year old.

"Please, no more," they begged.

I laughed at my intestines' pleas as I poured myself another glass of milk.

"In your stupid arrogance, you have done nothing but murder innocent women"

As the terrified villagers felt the fire consuming them, they finally understood what happens when you try to burn a real witch.