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The weird homeless guy who's always "talking to God" came by and marked our door with blood, like a freak.

Luckily I managed to get it cleaned off before I tucked my son into bed.

When the angel told me the only thing I had to do to enter Heaven was to live through and experience the deaths of every soul I had personally killed, I jumped at the opportunity.

After a lifetime of being an exterminator, if I had known insects had souls, I would have chosen hell.

I fought nausea watching people congratulate my rapist.

Watching them gush over my wife’s belly and discussing a baby shower was almost too much to bear.

A genie granted me my wish, to become the most beautiful woman in the world forever

Now I sit here in a museum, frozen in a painting for the past 500 years, as people passing by admire and fawn over my timeless beauty

My grief turned to shock when I learned my recently deceased wife’s skull matched the DNA profile for a teen missing since 1987.

The rest of her bones matched to six other people on the missing persons list from that same time period.

My mom called me in sheer horror as she realized I forgot to bring my medicine on my overnight trip to connect with others who are also paralyzed.

I’ve never been without my medication before so I thought I would be in pain, why am I able to wiggle my toes?

As the smoke surrounded me, I just managed to read the sign that said "Warning: Do not use the elevator in case of a fire"

I sighed, and pushed the button anyways, and sat back in my wheelchair waiting for the elevator to arrive.

Suffering from depression for years, I stupidly flailed my arms around after the gunman declared “ANYONE MOVE AND I SHOOT!”

It was only after I watched two bullets rip through the little girl next to me did I realize he never specified who.

After hours of watching her phone battery drain to 1%, Shanice was shocked to finally see a bar of signal.

“911, what’s your emergen—” was all she heard before her phone died, leaving her tiny cell as dim as her hope for survival.

Today’s number is 10, it was 300 a week ago, about 50 000 a month ago

And just a year ago the number was 7.9 billion

After I asked the crystal ball to tell me how to escape death, I was very confused as it read "No, thanks honey, I'm full"

However, something clicked in my head when my wife offered me cake after dinner

Everyone outside's fallen asleep so I rushed home to check the news.

The TV turned on to a sitcom re-run, and they're asleep on there too.

My friends jokingly call me "Vampire" because I'm pale and don't like garlic.

If they saw the bodies in my basement however, they would probably call me "Wendigo" instead.

"Cancer is killing her," the doctor said.

And we watched in horrified silence as in the night sky, the stars tore her mercilessly apart.

The world was thrilled with the announcement that the first mission to Mars would be an all female crew.

One year later, the world was terrified when they all returned pregnant.

My twin brother and I decided to swap identities for a day to see if anyone would notice.

It should have been me that got abducted that day.

"No one will ever believe you" he said with a shimmering grin as he held the knife.

I tried to stop him from taking it from me, but with each bloody thrust into his own chest, I knew the police would never believe it really was a suicide.

As I leave the bedroom early in the morning I give her a kiss on the cheek, the purest form of love I can express.

I make sure to close the window behind me so she won’t know I was there.

Ever since I lost my hearing, I constantly turn on lights so that I am never in darkness.

The dark doesn't scare me, but whatever keeps turning them off behind me does.

Two eyes peered at me through the darkness, then disappeared again.

“No, no survivors down here,” I heard the rescue searcher say.

Little timmy innocently threw a quarter in the well, wishing for universal peace.

Every atom in existence stopped clashing into each other, forcing the universe to freeze in peace forever.

Devastated by my dog’s death and wanting to do good for others, I asked the genie to bring all animals back to life that died in the past month.

It wasn’t until I felt the writhing contents of my stomach forcing its way up my throat and out of my mouth did I realize eating a steak tonight was a very bad idea.

Hearing my daughter yell, “Mom! He’s touching me!” again for the hundredth time this road trip made me want to snap!

But I kept my cool and calmly replied, “I know baby, but we need the gas money.”

I found a website that predicts the deaths of celebrities

The funny thing is, after a certain point all the names display the same date, “25/8/2025”

Did you know that when you're tied up and abandoned in a basement, rats tend to eat your softest body parts first?

For me it was my eyelids, now I literally can't look away as they slowly approach my three-year-old who is begging me for help.

"Don't worry honey, we can try again," my husband sobbed as he held me after my fourth miscarriage.

Through my tears, I smiled as I thought of all the attention I was going to get on Facebook again.

Turns out, I don't have social anxiety.

Every single person in the world really does hate me.

God doesn't hide in Heaven because he created us.

He hides because he doesn't know where we came from.

"I'm sorry, but I don't believe it is necessary to increase your dosages of antipsychotics." Said the doctor as he handed me the prescription.

"Dont panic, but I can see it too" had he written at the bottom of the paper.

I'm new to this sub and I have a question about it.

Why is this sub getting filled with water?

After years being taken care for at home, I finally regained my sight

but now i have to pretend to still be blind while i try to find who are these people and what have they done to my real family.

She looked confused when we tied the rope around her waist, but she said nothing and just kept eating the candy we gave her

When we finally pulled out the blindfold and baseball bat, she began to tremble and asked “is there a piñata?”, to which we replied “it’s almost ready, eat up”

My therapist assured me that short term memory loss is normal after a family member dies.

But if I don't remember where I hid the murder weapon soon, there's a chance the police may find it before me.

Every week, I prank my insectophobic girlfriend with a new creepy crawly in our apartment.

By the time I murder her, the neighbours will long be used to the sound of panicked screaming.

I came home and heard a soft hissing noise coming from the kitchen, so I tried turning on the lights to see what it was.

Apparently the power is out, but luckily I have my lighter on me.

I went to a fortune teller, and she read my future.

She suddenly started screaming and ran out of the room, so I ran after her and stabbed her to death.

The day he found his sister Emily hanging in the woods, he decided to work at the suicide hotline and has now saved hundreds of lives over the past 20 years.

Of all the desperate calls he's received, he'll never forget the one that made him quit: *"I murdered a girl named Emily 20 years ago, and the guilt is killing me."*

I missed the days when I would fall asleep on the couch and my parents would carry me to my bedroom.

But after they informed me that they thought I had got up and gone to bed on my own I have different feelings about it now.

“Exactly 97.3% of the entire human population will die in 3 days” was the last thing the entity said to me just before I woke up from my dream.

As I groggily unlocked my phone, the CNN alert read “Developing Story: Reports of a shared dream from hundreds of millions of individuals causing global panic.”

The teacher looked confused as the children motioned frantically about the man crawling out the closet behind her.

Too bad she muted all the kids so they wouldn’t talk over her story.

They say that “In space, no one can hear you scream.”

Which begs the question, just what in the hell is that wailing outside the air lock hatch?

My five-year-old son keeps insisting that he hears voices coming from inside our basement walls, but I've kept him from investigating by telling him there's ghosts down there.

I come home to find the Jewish family in the hands of the Gestapo, while he excitedly tells me how he phoned the police on his own and they caught the basement ghosts.

"So tell me sir, can your device really tell the shape shifters apart from humanity?"

"No, it's but another one of my failed inventions, sadly," I lied, hoping he didn't see the sweat upon my brow as I shakily reached for my gun.

As I was carted off to the cells for back-to-back life terms, I heard one of the jurors whisper:

"Two sentences, how horrifying..."

I remember my mom asking me to draw what heaven looked like, as I believed it was where my sister lived.

"What you drew is called a forest," said an officer visiting me that afternoon, "and now we need you to tell us where."

With the final shuttle about to leave Earth I made sure to leave an hour early to make it on time

As I watched the distant rockets I remember that daylight savings time had been cancelled this year

People say that losing an identical twin is the worst kind of grief there is.

I guess that explains why my wife has been so different since her twin sister went missing.

I laughed quietly at the typo on the warning sign, as I quickly and discreetly started filling my pockets.

Little did I know that I’d be sitting here, naked and shivering, whimpering pathetically as I waited to serve my first customer.

As I dragged my mangled, bloodied body up the steps, I noticed the serene beauty of the sunrise from the bridge.

No matter, I must make sure to land on my head this time.

"Daddy, why is mommy always so mean to me?" my son asks, his tear-stained face wrought with sadness and fear.

Deciding that it's finally time to tell him the truth, I say, "she's just upset that you survived childbirth and she didn't."

"Do it, do it." I whispered.

Man, I love working on the suicide hotline.

"I must be a good boy, I must be a good boy,” the dog kept repeating to himself.

After being told so many times not to bark, he remained silent as he watched the serial killer silently sneak in through the window.

Immortality was such an amazing gift, it seems so unreal sometimes.

Yet the pain and agony as my skin was torn off was real, just like the sound of the serial killers voice in my ears, "Why won't you fucking die?"

"Jesus Christ, look at his face, that - that can't possibly be a human," my wife whispered as she stepped aside letting me peer through the peephole.

I didn't even get the chance to scream as she held my head in place while someone outside shot me through the eye with a nail gun.

Just by laying a hand on someone, I can tell you the time, place, and manner of that persons death, rarely off by more than a handful of minutes.

It really just depends on how much they struggle after I lay my hands on them.

I finished my final perfect pirouette to thunderous applause.

If only I could speak, and tell the little girl who owned my music box of the living hell I was trapped in.

Her wrists bleeding out, I felt like a heartless asshole and promised I would never do it again.

"You better keep your promise, if you break up with me again I will really kill myself and it will all be because of you."

At first I was delighted to receive a retina transplant to restore my sight.

But with some of the things I have been seeing, I am starting to understand why the donor killed himself.

You know I love you more than anything, babe.

So do us both a favor, and cover up that little mistake with some eyeliner or whatever before we go meet my parents.

Looking at my mentally disabled son, I started tearing up

his birth certificate.

They said childbirth was the most painful thing she would go through

This brought her no comfort as she stood over the small casket

My girlfriend and I are a perfect match!

And even though she doesn't *want* to make a donation, I'll have 2 brand new kidneys by the week's end.

“See, no monsters anywhere,” Grandma said to her grandson after searching the room.

Outside the bedroom, Grandma pulled the goblin she found in the closet from her robe pocket, squeezed its neck until a loud crack echoed across the hallway, and said, “nobody fucks with my grandson.”

"Mommy, mommy, a vampire tried to ambush us on the playground today, but we tied it up and let it scream for hours in the sunlight!"

Mrs. Baker listened in shock, while she clutched the school letter on the needs of the new student with albinism.

"Women and children first!", rang through the loudspeaker.

And so they lined the gallows.

"Not only are these the most severe sunburns I've ever seen, but she's deficient in vitamin D and protein." explained the doctor as she stood by the little girl's bed in the ER.

After she left the room, the girl's father leaned over to his daughter and whispered,"Sweetie, I know you were starving, but this is why we only feed at night."

My twin brother was zombie-bit, and though I sobbed as I watched his eyes cloud over, I knew what needed to be done.

My sobs became screams as the hacksaw bit into flesh and I began the task of un-conjoining.

I scolded my 5 year old daughter after I found her eating toothpaste

She told me that she was hungry, but I reminded her that she is not allowed to eat solid food for 72 hours before the beauty pageant

My four year old said he wished that people didn't have to knock.

I told him about doorbells, and he asked me to install one on his window.

In history class, we are listening to the sound of a nuclear alarm.

The teacher turns off the sound, but the alarm continues to ring, louder, and outside.

My husband visited me in prison every week with new photos of our children.

There was no better reminder to keep my mouth shut.

Some say that the greatest lie ever told is that God exists, but today I learned the truth.

The lie isn't that he exists, but that he loves us.

The aliens arrived with a message of peace and love for Earth.

And as the first gesture of goodwill they removed the human parasites from its surface.

I've been kicked, beaten, and unwanted since I can remember.

But, whenever I see a human I still wag my tail out of hope.

After I lost my eyesight during a workplace accident, I made it a point to memorize the house layout, including the 14-step stairway to the basement.

My heart sank when I started counting 15... 16... 17...

"Amanda, please stop," I beg, as she forces the needle through my skin.

"But you promised you'd never leave my side," she says, continuing to stitch us together.

When I met with Death I frantically begged him not to take me today and he agreed to come back for me another day

It's been over 800 years since that day

My cousins and I were 5 when we wondered off into the forest without telling anyone.

Now we’re 3 and the hunger is starting to kick in again...

Her letter read "I'm breaking up with you."

The raft we spent months building on this desert island was gone too.

“We’ll find the source of that smell,” I assured the homeowner as I knelt down and wedged myself into the crawl space.

But just as I saw a very familiar looking uniform and the gray of long-dead flesh, I heard the floorboards being hammered back into place.

Yesterday I showed my five year old Harry Potter for the first time.

Today I found the broom missing and the living room window of our 10th story apartment wide open.

My son's suicide letter pins all the blame on his girlfriend.

With this letter in my safe possession, she can no longer escape my advances.

I can't believe we aren't taking climate change seriously.

Did they forget what we left in the ice caps?

“It’s your turn to check on the baby” I say to my wife who’s slowly rousing from sleep.

That’s the best I could come up with after 5 hours of trying to bring up the courage tell her the baby was cold and blue last time I checked.

I wondered how I unlocked my friend’s phone without it recognizing my face...

...then I looked at the ceiling.

An hour into her cave exploration, Sarah’s flashlight broke, and she was forced to blindly follow the faint breeze coming from the cave’s entrance.

Remembering the Zippo in her pocket, she flicked it on; revealing the lanky, eyeless man who had been blowing on her face, leading her deeper underground.

A child growing up as an orphan is too terrible to think about.

So I approached the sobbing girl, stepping over the bodies of her parents with the hammer raised once more.

Ever since I had got a job at this shopping mall, the mannequins always gave me the creeps.

One day as I watched the police cracking them open, I learned that some employees hadn't really been fired.

There once was a necromancer named Mai, who could raise nothing larger than a fly.

Each townsfolk and hero, thought her a zero, til her undead swarms drained their blood dry.

Everyone feels safe when they double check that the door is locked.

They never seem to consider it might not have been them that locked it.

When the police officer asks "Do you think you could identify your rapist if you saw him again?" I shake my head.

I hope he doesn't realize I recognize him.

As they came around the corner I lunged for the cage doors, screaming and pleading for help,"You have to get me out of here!"

"I told you this haunted house has the most realistic actors,"one of them laughed as they walked away.

The captain drew a shaky breath as another body floated by.

"Air Traffic Control, something very, very wrong is happening."

After sex, I always feel guilty.

It's difficult to continue the autopsy afterwards; I have to remind myself that I'm the only veterinarian in the city.

My best friend, Felicity, was reported missing 4 days ago and I’m trying to cope with her disappearance...

...I’m having trouble less with her being gone and more with the fact that the last time I saw her, she was getting in a car with my dad.

Reviewing the old tape of my 12th birthday party, I noticed there were some things I didn’t at all remember...

...like the part where everyone gazed silently into the camera, mouths agape, for two hours until the candles burned out.

"It's all in your head," my doctor told me....

...as we both stared, horrified, at my x-ray.

With advances in AI, the first machine capable of feeling pain was created in 2030

The first machine capable of *expressing* pain was created 30 years later.

I watched the monster's jagged claws inch slowly out from under the bed.

"I won't let him touch you again, I promise" it assured me as my dad crept into the room.

After entering your body, the parasites would migrate to your brain where they start to multiply and the first symptom would be sudden, massive hair loss.

During the maturation phase, their tails would gradually sprout through your skull to get sunlight, and you would think that your hair has started to grow back.