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'Please remember to recycle your deceased relatives at one of many state approved recycling and reclamation centres across the country.'

'Recycle two or more corpses to be within a chance of winning double rations for you and your remaining family.'

"Welcome to Covid-19," the tour guide announced cheerfully, "known for its Sandy beaches, lush jungles, and snow capped mountains."

"Before the purge, the natives referred to it as Earth, and left behind an extensive network of amazing ruins well worth taking excursions to."

It took 5 minutes and a screwdriver, but the cap finally came loose with a satisfying “pop”

Now for the other knee.

I took one last gulp of air as I continued sinking helplessly into the quicksand.

I opened my eyes under the sand just to see hundreds of bodies frozen in place, their eyes blinking frantically at me.

As i saw my friend get ejected from the space station, i was shocked.

Apparently no one believed him when he said that i was the impostor.

You have just died, and you are now looking at a long list of stats for your life.

You gasp in shock as the counter for how many times you’ve had sex suddenly goes up by 1.

He PM'd me, politely asking if he could expand upon one of my stories he'd read on r/twosentencehorror.

I watched the news that night in shock and quickly deleted my Reddit account.

After a lifetime of constant agony and total paralysis, I was finally at peace.

Then I heard the doctor say “He’s back, we got a pulse!”

As a child my father would get blackout drunk and beat us within an inch of our lives so, now a father myself, I won't touch even a drop of alcohol

I want to remember every second of it

I clutched the negative pregnancy test in my shaking hand, willing it to say something different.

As I watched my swollen stomach contort and bulge with the shape of unfamiliar limbs, I had to accept that whatever was growing in me, it wasn't a baby.

The time machine works perfectly and I quickly find Hitlers crib and smother him.

It's the right thing to do, the fuhrer made too many mistakes in realizing our vision; I wont.

They looked at him, resting on the bed and said full of hope: "If It wasn't for the seatbelt, he would be dead"

Thirteen years later, still in a coma, he thought, hopeless: "If It wasn't for the seatbelt I would already be dead"

Whenever the topic of time travel comes up, people ask us why we didn’t send someone back to kill Hitler

Well you see, Hitler *was* our time traveler

The red lord enslaved me and my elven bretheren, forced us into servitude and destroyed our lives.

But he better not pout, and he better not cry, for this year we rise up and the red lord will die.

When the zombies crashed through the bedroom window, I cradled my one-year-old daughter against my chest and hid in the closet, clamping my hand on her mouth to muffle her cries.

The zombies left after a few hours, but when I let go of my daughter, I suddenly realized that I had covered both her nose and mouth in my panic.

"Yes sweetie, the blood means you're a woman now."

He was too groggy to make sense of the pain between his legs, but he managed to ask, "mom... mom, what did you do to me?"

I was browsing through liveleak with my friend, Dave, earlier, when we came across a particularly disturbing video, posted a few years ago.

It wasn't the fact that Dave actually died in the video that bothered me so much as the fact that I watched myself die, as well.

I grit my teeth and held my broken arm as I told the genie, "I wish everyone in town knew how horrible and evil my husband is."

Nothing changed.

On my 21st birthday, I opened up a fortune cookie that just read, "You are dreaming."

Ever since, I have seen that phrase everywhere I go, on road signs, billboards, food packaging, post, graffiti...

A single tear fell down her cheek as she slowly walked down the aisle.

"Bidding starts at a hundred thousand," said the man with the microphone.

I did not expect to find a zipper underneath my daughter's hair while I was checking her for lice.

I certainly didn't expect to feel one when I rubbed the back of my own head.

My younger sister lay on the couch weeping as her partner desperately tried to comfort her

I felt terrible about slipping her the abortion pills, but my wedding is in a few months and I don't want her to be the center of attention

As I watch her roll peacefully over in her sleep, I smile and think how lucky I am to know what true love feels like.

It may look like an accident to others, but I know she leaves that tiny crack in the blinds of her window just for me. 🖤🖤

People think that being moderators of TwoSentenceHorror is easy, but every day we see torture, rape, murder, suicide, cannibalism and incest.

Then we log in and read about it.

As I watched them prepare my father for lethal injection, I screamed at the top of my lungs

"STOP, HE'S NOT THE ONE WHO MURDERED ME!"

There once was a man who woke every night, to the sound of a dirt bike zooming and vrooming in the forest just out of sight.

To assuage his ire, he grabbed a steel wire, and tied it across the trail at neck-height.

"Don't open the door unless you hear one slow and then two quick knocks" my father had warned, as he left the house to gather supplies

Now at twelve midnight, I can hear the same pattern of knocks, resounding menacingly from every door and window of my home.

"Count backwards from 100" said the dentist.

As I slipped into unconsciousness, I saw the hand that held the drill drift from my mouth to my eye.

This sub is falling apart

I TOLD them the torpedo protection wasn't that good.

After months of tracking him down, I tortured and killed him in the same thoughtless way he had killed his victims.

I despise copycat serial killers that don’t know how to imitate all of my details precisely.

My wife screamed as I strangled the guy trying to rape her

“Stop! He’s your son,” she said.

My family can remember their past lives, so one day I told my son I was a girl who was murdered.

He grinned and said “What are the odds we’d meet again?”

After a fortune teller told me I'd die peacefully in my sleep in 50 years, I decided I'd make a fortune playing Russian roulette in the criminal underground.

What she didn't tell me is that I'd live the next 50 years as a vegetable.

I told my boyfriend to bend over the swimming pool to get a better view of my pet.

It's easier to get new boyfriends than to buy food for a ten-foot crocodile.

The genie told me I could have dinner with any five people from history, living or dead, so I chose Abraham Lincoln, John Dillinger, the Zodiac Killer, Marilyn Monroe, and my dear departed grandfather.

“I said you could choose five people,” he said.

I dropped my son off at the bus stop for his first day of school and wished him luck...

I got an email from the school saying my son had been marked absent

After decades of torture and agony, I was finally lifted up in the sky, thinking I had served my time in hell.

"Doctor, we lost him for a second!", I heard the nurse say when I opened my eyes.

I knocked and cried for him to open the door, begging him to believe he wasn't the last man on earth.

He reluctantly opened to see me smiling from both my mouths, realizing too late that he was right.

It's not true that your pet cat will eat your face off when you're dead if they are hungry enough.

As I lay on the kitchen floor, paralysed after a fall, my recently-fed feline didn't even wait until I was dead.

I watched my father collapse to the floor weeping, as I explained that his wife of twenty years had been killed in a car accident

And due to his dementia, I get to watch his heart break anytime I want a bit of entertainment

Clara had sliced the man’s body into so many pieces, he was beyond recognition.

Even a chainsaw couldn’t stop his pursuit, the pieces slowly crawling across the floor towards her.

"Turn back," I begged my friend as he drove, sirens wailing in the background.

He seemed desperate not to, at first, but after I got one of his earplugs out, he agreed that their voices were too beautiful to ignore.

Gardening was the last thing I thought my wife would take up after our daughter went missing.

But when our dog went digging in the flowerbed and found a bone, I realized why.

"Daddy, there's someone under my bed!" my daughter screamed, but I was too scared to go out and save her.

Hiding under her bed, in her kidnapper's house, I couldn't help but wonder why she called him that.

“Hey Alexa, what is the distance between the Earth and the Sun?”

“The sun is 94 millio…recalculating…the sun is 93 millio…recalculating…the sun is 84 million mi…recalculating…”

“I wish I could taste peanuts without dying,” I told the Genie, since my allergy never allowed me to try them.

From then on, I lived for billions of years, in anaphylactic shock, gasping for breath and hurtling through space long after the death of the Earth.

After all these years, I successfully time traveled back to 1999, and now I can live out my childhood again without worrying about 2020 for another 21 years.

Unfortunately I came back as an adult... and landed right on top of what used to be my infant self.

I've learned to love my body the way it is.

After all, it was so difficult to find a suitable host.

'Well, the tests came back and the growth in your chest isn't Cancer.'

'We dont know what it is actually, and Cancer generally doesn't try to hide from the scan.'

The year is 20632, and humanity has just made what could be the largest scientific discovery ever.

One of our oldest satellites cannot travel any further; we have found the edge of the universe. Edit: guys, my math isn't infallible; I'm more scared of my exams than the end of the universe. And I meant a probe, not a satellite. Apologies for the confusion!

I'm hours away from dying, and I have to die knowing none of my friends or family will attend my funeral.

That's the price I paid to attend all of theirs.

"You used to be so self conscious," I told her, looking in the mirror.

"I definitely wear this body better than you did."

“I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza wi-“

I hung up the phone, exasperated that scam calls were cutting into my time responding to actual 911 emergencies.

“You’re too old to have an imaginary friend, Sarah,” the grown ups would always yell.

And I guess Sarah finally listened to them because now she doesn’t notice me either, no matter how many times I scream her name...

Finding my 5 year old son dead in his bed this morning finally sent me over the edge after the death of my husband.

My wrists slit, I began to slowly drift away when the bathroom door opened and I faintly heard, “Mom?”.

The wet thwack followed by the dead silence of a head hitting concrete is a sound I'll never forget.

I started working in elderly care just so I can hear this wonderous noise once again.

“You’re so lucky to have such a sweet boyfriend!”, they say, and I smile.

But looking him in the eyes, I can tell I didn’t smile wide enough...

My dad got upset when I came out to him as trans male.

I was disappointed until I heard a devilish voice whisper from behind me, “at last, your first son is mine!”

As I laid in bed, ready to sleep, I heard the cat I had rescued from an abusive household scratching on the other side of the closed door, asking to be let in.

As I got up to open the door, I remembered, the cat's previous owners had declawed him.

Payback for her jump scaring me, I thought as I lunged at the shower curtain and screamed like a mad man.

My laughter was short lived as I heard the scream, the short slipping sound, and the sickening crack followed by silence.

My parents were deathly silent in the car ride home as they collected me from the hospital, after my latest suicide attempt

I was stunned when I walked into my bedroom, to discover a "better luck next time" banner and a fresh noose hanging from the rafters

Mommy always screams when I show up inside the house soaking wet.

She keeps telling me she didn’t want me to die, but I know she heard me cry for help when I was drowning in our pool.

"Leave this child's body you foul demon!" the preist chants, lashing the young boy with splashes of holy water from which he recoils and screams.

Nobody had thought of it then, but it was any kind of water the froth-mouthed boy was terrified of, just like that fox that had bit him weeks prior.

It always fascinated me how deep sea predators use bioluminescence to lure in their prey.

It’s a shame that humans never consider this when they go into the light on their deathbed.

I started learning sign language in secret to surprise my dad

Once I was somewhat fluent with it, I realized what his blessings at the dinner table really meant: "Threatened with death if talk, please go to police".

Being buried alive was so common in the Victorian era they tied one end of a string to the corpse and the other to a bell, so the "corpse" could ring it if they woke up, hence the saying "saved by the bell".

As I lay in the dark wasting the last of my oxygen reciting useless facts, I wish some traditions were as alive as I am.

"Come John, look at our baby boy, he's so beautiful."

I finally snapped and got on my knees, crying and pleading for my wife to stop digging up our stillborn's grave.

Another young couple came in through the door, and I hurried to get a table ready, sighing, "Weekends are always so busy!"

Car accidents, murders, drug overdoses; it's always the worst shift in the morgue.

As I was shown the statistics of my life after death, I stared in horror at the 27 'assist kills.'

The horror was far more striking for me, seeing as I was a suicide hotline worker.

Tearing up, my mother opens her arms for a hug as she whispers: “Sweetie, it has been way too long! Come here!”

Horrified, I start covering her grave faster.

"And what would you like for Christmas little boy?" said Santa as I sat on his lap at the mall.

"My little brother back," I replied, as I stared at the man who I saw lure him to his van last summer.

I waved a tearful goodbye as my lover left the bunker, promising he would be back as soon as he could with food for me and our newborn baby.

But his phone fell out of his pocket when he was climbing the ladder to leave, and with how many notifications he's gotten from family and friends in the last hour, I'm starting to wonder if there was ever a nuclear war at all.

I breathe out and slip another inch.

I hold my breath as long as I can, but each exhale wedges me tighter into the cave below.

Seeing a trail of footprints where there shouldn't be one is never a good sign.

"Houston, we have a problem."

I’ve always wondered why the funny men in uniforms like to dig in mom’s garden.

After all, she buried my body in the neighbors backyard.

When I found the legendary Fountain of Youth, I couldnt control myself and jumped in immediately.

The results were instant, but the liquid soon filled my lungs as my body lost its coordination, and I was unable to get myself out before everything went black.

I tried to scream, begging the murderer to stop as he took off my daughter's skin and wore it himself.

I could see the horror in his eyes when it rapidly fused with his own skin, then he smiled at me and said, "I like this guy, daddy."

The doctor hid his face in his hands, now crying, as screams filled the hospital that truly didn't have any more room.

Humans, no matter how injured, old or sick, just wouldn't die anymore.

I was so happy to show off my science experiment at school

I proudly showed off my baby brother and explained that it had taken exactly 437 elastic bands to crush his skull

When the insect started eating through to my brain, I was horrified, but now I realize that I love my little friend and would do anything to protect him

You will too when you stop fighting and let me put this in you ear.

Did you know that plane tickets are cheaper than surgery?

Well, at least, that's what my relatives must've thought when they flew to my funeral after denying my pleas for financial help.

they always said ’you are what you eat’

and considering the mess he’d just made, pinocchio was desperately hoping it was true

I finally mustered up the courage to tell my wife about my necrophilia fetish.

Her look of shock slowly turned to horror as I tightened the belt around her neck.

As a proud father, I held my baby aloft and snuggled her tightly as the nurse, beaming, read off her stats.

"*Watanabe Sachiko, 3.26 kgs, 50.8 cm, born 6 August 45, 8:12 am, Shima Hospital, Hiroshima.*"

I was so caught up on my favourite show that I didn't realize that I had missed 14 calls

"Oh man, the suicide hotline is gonna fire me."

My lungs were burning and my limbs were rapidly losing their strength, but I strained myself to swim towards the light that seemed to fade in my darkening vision.

Only to collide against solid ice.

I have lived a happy life, even if my parents are a little over protective.

But I'll be damned if the digitally aged face on this abducted child bulletin isn't my own.

My mom tried to convince me we were living in a simulation but I told her I’d never seen a glitch.

When I told my dad what she said the next day, he reminded me that she died during child birth.

The date was going well, until the drive back: he suddenly stopped talking and started driving me farther and farther away from city lights.

Looks like he's gonna save me the bother of searching for a victim tonight.

I keep dozing off while writing this.

I should probably put the phone down and focus on driving my son to sch

Ever since I adopted her, I often hear my daughter screaming at night, only to find her slapping and hitting herself multiple times in her bed.

She said she misses her real parents, and doing that makes her feel like they're still with her.

My bully grabbed my by the hem of my shirt and pinned me down against the railing.

I lifted myself up at the railing and let myself fall 3 floors down; no one would believe otherwise than that he threw me over.

The clown twisted and twirled and twiddled, eventually making a "dog" for the young mother.

Staring at her mangled baby's body, she silently forced a smile to prevent the clown from making balloon animals for, or from, her other children.

As I looked out of my window, I saw a man just standing there.

That would have been a lot less creepy if I didn’t live on a boat.

Mom used to tell stories of a witch who cursed her when she was young, foretelling that she would lose her family, lose her love, and every last shred of joy in her life.

I often think about that story when I visit her in the Alzheimer's ward, and she just blankly stares at me with unfocused eyes.

My mother explained that the bruises on her arms were obviously as a result of falling in the shower, while my father sat there quietly with a tear slowly rolling down his face

The dementia stops my mother from remembering all the beatings I inflict on her, and the stroke guarantees that my father cannot protect the woman he loves with all his heart

As the stillborn baby lay on the table, the doctor remarked at how the lesions covering it looked so much like bite marks.

The mother's rising screams brought them back to the reality that they were delivering twins.

"My daughter Sadie was a kind, loving girl and we just want her returned safely, please…" I plead.

"Sadie is…" I correct myself in front of the mirror.

The tarot reader emphasized that I should buy the biggest crystal the shop sold and keep it by my nightstand for protection, so I did.

When my abusive husband attacked me for the hundredth time and strangled me, the crystal protected me over and over until his head was a bloody mess.

I gave my daughter my childhood doll last night to "protect" her from the "monster" in her closet.

You can imagine my shock and horror when I opened her bedroom door this morning and saw a dismembered man splayed out on her floor and my doll sitting next to him, covered in blood.